Very early sneak peek

From Cin­der, still very much in ear­ly 1st draft (this is from the sec­ond scene, and it was only writ­ten about an hour ago):

Out­side, vast ener­gies swirled, send­ing translu­cent stream­ers of pale light shiv­er­ing over the crys­tal of the great win­dow. Through them, she could see stars, shiv­er­ing and sparkling through the bow-wake of the shield­ing. One red star, at the window’s cen­ter, showed a broad disc, even at this dis­tance. Sol, then. She watched it, bring­ing up fil­ters in the crys­tal win­dow to exam­ine it with­out squint­ing or leak­ing more brine from her eyes.

After a dozen min­utes or so she saw a tiny shad­ow right at Sol’s cen­ter.

Is that Earth?” she said, touch­ing the shad­ow.

»Yes, the ship sent on her pri­vate chan­nel. »Please, I must con­cen­trate.

She nod­ded. The ship was far too polite to ignore her, or to out­right tell her to shut up.

The shad­ow swelled: a dot, a disc, a plan­et. A rocky black sphere, large enough to blot out the sun, and still they approached. She almost asked the ship why they approached in shad­ow, but real­ized that would tax the envi­ron­ment sys­tems less.

She” is Lady Schrone, who is new to a human body (hence the bit about brine).

I real­ly want this sto­ry to work; I find the idea inter­est­ing, and I’m try­ing to devel­op enough points of view and sto­ry­lines to go the dis­tance. Let me know what you think.