hey genius

Open let­ter to who­ev­er it was dri­ving a green car head­ed west on Van Horne at about 70 km/h today just after noon:

Slow down.

As you can’t help but know, you almost hit me. Notice how your brakes didn’t do the slight­est thing to slow your head­long trav­el? That’s because it’s win­ter here, with snow at the inter­sec­tions, and fresh snow every­where. These things impede fric­tion, which cars need in order to stop.

You should be thank­ing God—as I am—that there was no traf­fic in the lane I had to pull into to avoid get­ting smashed by you. Even if you’re an athe­ist you should be thank­ing God. Also you should be thank­ful that you didn’t hit the mini­van behind me either.

You should be thank­ful that I didn’t get your license plate num­ber. I was too busy veer­ing out of my lane, and then after that I was in an adren­a­line haze, and then after that I was shaky and just want­ed to get home. If I’d got­ten your plate num­ber, I’d be on the phone to the police right now. I kind of hope the peo­ple in the van got it, but I doubt it.

I hope, too, that you wet your pants, and drove home in a pud­dle of cool­ing piss. Not very Christ­massy, but then nei­ther were the names I called you, either.

If you’re feel­ing remorse­ful about how you near­ly ran me down today, I have the solu­tion: Go to the police sta­tion. Ide­al­ly have some­one else dri­ve you, since evi­dent­ly you have no clear idea what you’re doing. Hand over your driver’s license, and tell them you won’t be need­ing it any­more, at least for a few years. Get a bus pass. Sell your car.

There’s no excuse. Win­ter didn’t just start today. Even if you’re new to this coun­try, or even this part of this coun­try, you’ve had a few weeks to prac­tice your win­ter dri­ving. The STOP sign was clear­ly marked. The speed lim­it is well below how fast you were going.

Well, I guess I’m done shout­ing into the wind. I hope you learned some­thing from this. If not, I hope I nev­er, in all my life, encounter you again.

Thanks for not killing me, no mat­ter how hard you tried.